No, they should NOT bend that way.

That's what we call "generalized hypermobile joints disorder."

Growing up as a desert kid in New Mexico, I’d never seen ice on the roads. Sometimes there was snow, but it couldn’t last the morning sun. When my mom moved us to Michigan when I was 14, the culture shock was deep, down to the weather. I had no idea the weather could be violent before I lived in the center of the Michigan mitt.

Our apartment had no outside media. My mother did not allow either television or radio. We did not get the paper. This was all pre-internet, so beyond what I could see out the window, the weather was a mystery to me each morning.

One bright sunny day about a year after we moved, I headed to the bus stop wearing cute shoes. It was only early October, so I wasn’t expecting ice. I avoided most except one small patch, but I stepped so carefully to avoid falling I thought I’d be okay.

I didn’t know we’d had a fast freeze and the ice broke through, dropping me down about six inches but my forward momentum pulled me forward and twisted the fuck out of my left ankle. The pain was INSANE. I barely got back to the apartment.

My mom was infuriated. She yelled that I had to go to school anyway because she did not have time for “this shit.” But my ankle swelled up like a balloon and went dark purple. So she yelled on the way to the ER and then on the ride back home. It was just a sprain, so she didn’t think it was “serious.” She refused to fill my pain meds.

When we got home, my mother grounded me for a month because of my “poor shoe choice.” She extended it a month later because my ankle had not healed, so obviously I wasn’t “resting it properly.” A month after that, eight weeks after the fall, the doctors realized I’d actually broken my leg, too, up near the knee.

With proper treatment, it healed well.

---

As a child, my mom hated that I was “clumsy” and fell down all the time. Once she told me the reason I constantly bumped into things was because I had low self-esteem. What I really had was just… neurodivergence. I didn’t know, then, that difficulties with “spatial awareness and navigation” was common in those with ADHD and autism.

I also did not know that studies show that up to 51% of adults with ADHD have Generalized Joint Hypermobility (GJH) — often combined with autonomic dysfunction / dysautonomia disorders (which is when your autonomic nervous system goes all haywire and doesn't regulate bodily functions correctly). The numbers are even higher in children — 74%.

The doctor I saw last week diagnosed me as having general joint hypermobility. I’ve always “locked” my knees when standing — but it turns out I was actually repeatedly hyperextending my knees. It increased stability when I’m standing. This drawing illustrates what I mean; see how the knee is pushed backwards? That’s me.

Chalk it up, I guess, to yet another point about the importance of a proper diagnosis, but the walls between a girl and a diagnosis in the 1970s-80s were many and tall.

But if I’d known I was hypermobile, I could have worked with my body instead of against it. I’d have protected and strengthened my joints instead dancing all night, walking through the city, and hauling my fat ass up and down mountains.

I’m not gonna lie — containing my rage around this is hard as fuck sometimes. But there is also such a deep fucking relief to set down the blame and shame I’ve carried these long years. I’m still stumbling forward, but the journey feels lighter now.

It’s not my fault. It just isn’t. Thank god.